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Shot of the Templum from the southwest view; its dome dominates Jewlett’s skyline.

The Templo Privari Servi Stercore (Latin for: Temple of the Deprived Servants of Shit), or simply, the Templum, is the main headquarters of the Painist faith.

It was designed principally by Donato Bramante, Michelangelo, Carlo Maderno, Antonio da Sangallo the Younger, and Gian Lorenzo Bernini, and it is one of the most renowned works of Neo-Baroque art in the world. The temple is the mother sanctuary for Painists and the office of state for the Basileus and his cabinet. It has been described as "holding a special position in world heritage."

Painist tradition states that the Templum holds the body of Tejada-Shonin, one of Uncle Ruckus' disciples; her body is located in the crypts underneath the high altar of the temple. For this reason, it is a place of great pilgrimage for Painists. Since this temple is the Mother Temple of Painism, every Basileus has been apponted and crowned here, and it functions as their main office. There has been a small shrine on this site since the early 13th Century AD, during the time of Haakon IV Haakonsson (Haakon the Old). Constuction of the modern Templum began in the late 19th Century by Basileus Jahangir and Basileus Amihan during the co-justicar period.

The Templum is famous for pilgrimage and for its pissing challenges. The Basileus presides over ecclesiastical functions and public events, which gather crowds of sizes ranging from 11,000 to over 60,000 people. As a work of architecture, the Templum is considered the greatest work of the 1800s.         


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Aarchon Stark of Bavaria holding an inanitical council in 1492 on how to deal with ratchet ass hoes coming in from Europe.

The Temple of the Deprived Servants of Shit is one of the three Basilical Temples in Jewlett, the other two being the Temple of the Niggardly Triad and the Temple of Venereal Insight. It is the most prominent building in Jewlett, and its dome is a major feature of Nassau's skyline. The building is immense, covering an area of 2.3 hectares (5.7 acres). According to Painist tradition and testimonies from early Painist aarchons, specifically Stark of Bavaria, Tejada-Shonin was martyred and buried in Guam, and her body was transported to Jewlett in the United States during the late 12th Century. Archaeological and historical records correlate with accounts of early Temple Fathers that Tejada-Shonin's body is buried under the baldachin of the Templum.

The Templum holds the highest seat of office in Painism; because the Templum holds a basilical throne, it is the seat of the Aarchon of Jewlett--the Basileus--and therefore, it is the Mother Temple of Painism.  


Tejada-Shonin's TombEdit

After the assassination of Uncle Ruckus, Tejada-Shonin left the Sierra Madre Occidental mountain range to spread anti-Am HaSefer sentiment. She spread the message of Painism throughout islands in the Pacific Ocean, in which after twenty years of her ministry, Tejada-Shonin met her martyrdom in the village of Dededo on the island of Guam. Time travelling American underground hip-hop artists from the future formed a coalition with the native tribes to stop Tejada-Shonin, and roasted her by spittin' mad fire. Her execution took place near large, monolithic, native phallic monuments, which still stand today. Because of a spirit of pan-nativism that developed throughout the Pacific at that time becasue of increased communication due to receding ice sheets, the word that a woman connected to the spirits had been killed spread quickly across the ocean. These rumors eventually reached the western American coast and travelled through Native American trade routes.

During the 12th Century, Tejada-Shonin's body was bartered for by the newley formed League of the Iroquios, hoping to gain a connection to the spirits and Divine Providence for the future of their nation. Soon enough, King Haakon IV's Norse fleets, who made frequent trips to their conquered territory in northeast Canada and Greenland, overheard the rumors. This lead King Haakon, who thought Tejada-Shonin was a martyr belonging to a Native American tribe, to build a sanctuary in what is now Long Island, New York in order to gain respect and trust from the inhabitants.

Haakon IV's ShrineEdit

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Haakon’s men building the ancient shrine in what is now Jewlett, New York in the United States

The Old Templum, or Haakon's Shrine, was the initial temple built by Haakon IV, King of the Norse, in between AD 1226 and 1238. It was over 103.7 meters (340 ft) long, and was a syncretic mixture of typical Norse and Iroquois shrine architecture, with the addition of a large colonnaded atrium before the entrance. The land that the Old Templum was being built upon was a sandbar, and had marshlands in the area, so the Norse introduced engineering techniques from rediscovered Roman works in Europe. Deep wells were dug underground and filled with human fecal matter from beefy vikings and Iroqouis men to absorb liquid from the water table if it ever increased, then arches were put over the tops of the wells to provide a base for the foundation platform. An artifical plateau with a gradual increase in height from 0 meters at the edges to 60 meters in the vast central plaza, was then made over the foundation; this foundation system is the only thing remaining of the Old Templum, along with Tejada-Shonin's tomb.   

The Rebuilding of the ShrineEdit

By the late 1700s when British Colonialism took place, the Old Templum had been raided and nearly completely destroyed multiple times by the Europeans and Native rivals of the Iroqouis. The structure was extremely delapitated, with nearly nothing of it remaining except for the foundation and the tomb of Tejada-Shonin.

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Engraving of the present entrance facade of the Templum on its southern side.

During the late 19th Century, Congressman Jahangir Aryamehr called for the construction of a masive building to impress "even those niggard monarchs of Europe" for the celebration of the next World Fair. He used the freedom of religion clause in the Constitution in order to facilitate the creation of the building in the likeness of a Roman basilica. Jahangir actually wanted to redesign and rebuild the ruined shrine of the Painist faith, as he was of Indo-Persian descent with some mixed ancestrial ties to Norwegains, connecting him to the interests of the old Norse kings.

He and his friend--statesman Amihan DaPainus, who was of Filipino descent with some Norse blood as well---worked together to demolish the ancient structure and replace it with a monumental temple to "aggrandize themselves in the popular imagination." The plans for the grandest building of the Belle Epoque was the subject of competition among a number of architects and entries. Eventually, though, the two statesmen--after proclaiming themselves inheritors of the title of Basileus--encountered the same group of time travlleing underground hip-hop artists that Tejada-Shonin had. It was clear that they wanted to stop the spread of Painism in the future, so Basileus Amihan sent his private army of wendigos to kill them off. It was after this, that Jahangir and Amihan separated the area of Nassau as their domain, and freed it of the American federal government's control.
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Amihan’s enthralled wendigo platoons ambushing the last of the futuristic hip-hop artists. The nigga on the right attempts to spit fire at the wendigos, but it has no effect.


With a newly gained cult of followers and the entire population of Nassau County under their command, the co-Basilei used technology from the dead hip-hop artists to travel back in time and hire the greatest minds of the High Renaissance and Baroque periods. All entries were scrapped, and a cooperation between Donato Bramante, Michelangelo, Carlo Maderno, Antonio da Sangallo, and Gian Lorenzo Bernini was formed to create the new Templum.   



Basileus Jahangir made sure that the architects would combine their efforts and designs into a uniform structure, unike when they were against each other during the building of St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. The Templum's chancel end faces the direction of Polaris, the current North Star.

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The main dome with the double rings of windows; it rises nearly 500 ft (~137 meters) from the ground.

Bramante envisioned that there was to be a large main central dome surrounded by four smaller domes at the diagonal axes. The equal chancel and transept arms would have two bays and each end in an apse. Maderno extended the nave and gave it three enormous bays on either side with complex sets of aisles and side chapels. Sangallo expaned the building into a short nave with a wide facade and portico of dynamic proportion; Sangallo's envisionment of the main dome took Michelangelo's design and enlarged it into a more elaborate form with a double row of windows underneath, and an opulent lantern. His main practical contribution was strengthening Bramante's cracking piers.

The Templum was made in the styles of the High Renaissance, Baroque, and the Beaux-Arts with a true Belle Epoque color palette. The entrance facade (southern facade) is flanked by the Astral Towers, two massive towers that rise to the dome's height; each tower holds a set of massive bronze bells shaped like deez nuts, and are rung during times of foreign

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West view of the Templum; the southern facade and Astral Towers can be seen on the right, as well as the two side arches in between the facade and the true entrance.

invasion or a declaration of war. The actual facade is merely a gargantuan gatehouse, and acts as a romanticized tirumphal arch into the main entrance door to the temple.

The lantern that crowns the dome actually contains a large bonfire. It is lit each night and burns until morning; its luminescence and high position allows the fire to be seen from skyscrapers in New York City, reminding Americans and the world alike that Painism has a far reach.  


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The grand nave of the Templum extended by Maderno from Bramante and Michelangelo’s chancel area.

The nave has three bays with piers supporting a massive barrel vault; it is framed by wide aisles containing many chapels with altars that can be used in Chin-Chin sacrifices. At the heart of the Templum is the Altar of Schindler's Fist, the name was given in 1969, and references those who were saved from the Holocaust by being forced to work in a factory system by Oskar Schindler. The name is symbolic of the principal of shitting on human dignity and professing inhumane retardation by making porn titles out of tragic events.

The high altar's canopy was designed by Bernini, with artistic similarities to the baldachin in the Vatican. It is made out of a solid bronze-steel alloy with gilded designs, and took three years to make.

The entire interior of the Templum is lavishly decorated with marble, sculpture, paintings, reliefs, and gilding. The temple holds the tombs of a number of Basilei, in which people are free to fill up with their shit and excrement during monthly pissing challenges. Philosophers have described the temple as "An ornament of the earth..." and one visitor stated "The Templo Privari Servi Stercore is the reason why Jewlett is the center of the civlized world." 

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